Que Sera, Sera...
So I finally had me a little talk with the old boss today. Usually I'm not a big fan of these personal evaluation thingies, though I do understand how valuable they are if one wants to advance in one's career. We had a nice chat about this and that and she promised to let out personnel manager know about my desires to acquire a position where I could take the most advantage of my education.
Funny how now that the actual time has come to make the changes in my life I've been wanting to do for quite a while now I'm more scared than excited. Not scared as in hiding under the bed and refusing to come out, or being unable to make the necessary decisions, but scared nevertheless. It'd be so much easier to just to live life just like before and not worry about anything new and unfamiliar. But that would just lead to the realization of one of my greatest fears - that I'd wake up 40 years from now and discovered that I'd have spent my life doing something I wasn't happy about. I'll never find out what I have potential for unless I try things out. And in the face of that thought I'm scared shitless, pardon the language. What if things won't work out? I'll never get a decent job, or decent pay, my fish will die of malnutrition and the dog I'm planning on getting will become the bully of the neighbourhood? What if I never succeed, measured on any scale of success? Can't I just rewind life and go back to being 5 and carefree for a day or two?
Although if I want to get started on the finding out / successing business I really should finish the three very short and easy essays I've been avoiding like the plague itself since early December. The deadline's on Friday. Go me!
Today's soundtrack:
Depeche Mode: Stripped
Erykah Badu: Otherside of the Game
Hedningarna: Tuuli
Kula Shaker: Govinda
posted by sanna-mari @ 9:55 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
I remember those feelings. The only solution I came up with was just to go towards my future,what ever it may be, and not let my fears freeze me. The funny thing was that one day I just realised that hey, I had climbed the scary mountains - I had graduated, I had found a job and started a career, I had a family, a mortgage, and all the responsabilites of an adult. (We still don't have a dog, but we do have a hamster. And fish are tough creatures, they survive even if they are ignored from time to time... ;-) ) And when I looked back at my fears, I realized that the mountains looked huge beforehand, but afterwards they seemed more like mere hills.
Mind you, those feelings follow you all your life: there's always something new to tackle, new mountains / hills to climb. Maybe it gets easier with time: one remembers that the mountains tend shrink.
Gheesh, I sound old and patronizing. Sorry. :-)
U
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